i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize