Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize