Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
