this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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