when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
