Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize