He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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