Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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