You made me cry and you don't even care
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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