remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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