I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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