Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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