She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
