The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
