So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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