I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
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