Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
