new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
