i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
