a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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