my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
