Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
