My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
