Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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