Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
