The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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