I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
