Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
