Your mouth is God's brothel.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
