opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
