Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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