your room smells of hookers.
And success
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
