I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and she was petting her beer can
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
