can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
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