i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
