Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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