the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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