You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Is Oprah even human
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
