I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
