Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
