I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
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