I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
