how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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