I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
