so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
