Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
