was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Your penis caused this!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
