Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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