sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
