I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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