I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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