I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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