There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
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