cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
