Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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