drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
