Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
