His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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