I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
