Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize