I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
