I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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