remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
